8 Ways in Which I Feel Personally Victimized By Your Tinder Profile

1. Shirtless mirror selfies, as if I even have to say it. When do you take these? Where? But most importantly, why? If I want to see the perfect human specimen in top-half-nude form, I will Google image Ryan Gosling, who will always be better than you in every possible way. He’s beautiful, but also deep. You are most likely neither. LEFT.

2. All group pics. Do you think I’m going to scan through every single picture in a valiant attempt to figure out which white guy is the same white guy in five pics of a bunch of white guys? Tinder is all about instant, easy gratification. And I don’t mean sex (though it probably works for that too). I mean the sheer thrill of swiping, followed by the rush of getting a match. I’m not going to spend any more time on you than I absolutely have to until I know you’re not a dbag. So just like ONE pic of only you is sufficient. Or preferably, you and a dog.

3. All partially- or completely- covered-face photos. In every picture, you are wearing sunglasses, ski goggles, an exorbitantly large hat, or maybe you are making a lewd gesture with your hand in front of your facial region. Bro, if I were in this for personality alone, I would be on eHarmony. This is Tinder. Show me the goods. And no, not those goods.

4. The wrong your/you’re. There is not, nor has there ever been, anything difficult about this distinction. The mistake most often appears in messages, where its wrongness is perhaps even magnified; nothing really takes the meaning out of a “you’re beautiful” than when it’s written “your beautiful.” My beautiful what??? Unmatch immediately.

5. Any version of saying you “live life to the fullest.” This may include, but is not limited to: “adrenaline junkie,” “live life on the edge,” “everyday is a new adventure.” Your pictures are also all probably very distant shots of you snowboarding and/or surfing and/or dirt biking. Unless you’re going to offer me free surfing lessons, let’s all just calm down and watch some Netflix.

6. Listing interests that are things that literally every human on earth likes to do. Oh you like, “laughing, chilling with friends, and eating good food”???? I thought I was the only one!!!!! #soulmates

7. Rattling off rules for your swipers. For example, “DO NOT SWIPE RIGHT IF YOU’RE NOT GONNA MESSAGE FIRST.” Like, I came out here to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

8. Using the term “Tinderella,” even if ironically. I mean, come on.