I'm a PRINCESS

I haven’t posted on here in a while. I feel guilty about that. I could blame the holidays, but most of my time was spent laying around on a beach or in my bed with nothing to do. I could blame general laziness, but I was posting while working a full time temp job, so that’s not it either.

I’m not surprised, though. This is what always happens. I get excited about things, get very invested in them, and then drop them. Back out when it gets hard or scary, and then make excuses for why I didn’t follow through. Not that this is even that hard or at all scary. I’m just always convincing myself that I’m not good enough, that everything I do is a waste of time, because it doesn’t matter what I do because we’re all just meaningless blobs because the universe is ginormous because it’s expanding at ever-increasing rate because…science. For job applications, I don’t put in as much effort as I should, or end up not applying at all, because I assume “I won’t get it anyway.” I know I shouldn’t think like this, and that the reason I may not be getting these jobs is BECAUSE I think like this. But it’s hard to think any other way when I truly have poured my heart and soul into resume updates and fucking cover letters (dude, fuck cover letters), and have gotten nothing back in response. It’s like I know what I am capable of but I am too quick to assume, in the next second, that I’m actually not. And that I should just give up and start digging a hole into the ground until I find a nice fox family that will adopt me as their own.

I don’t want to (please excuse the following string of clichés) be my own worst enemy, stop myself before I get started, or get in my own way (that one came straight from an episode of the Biggest Loser, yikes). But it’s like that’s what my brain is wired to do. I know this is not unique, everyone has self-doubt and misses opportunities they could have gotten simply because they were fearful or maybe even just lazy. But I also know there are people who are confident, and even when they are not feeling confident, they act as though they are, and nobody is the wiser. And even when they think or even know they aren’t the best candidate for the job (or whatever the hell they want), they put in every ounce of effort, and at least they can say they tried. Truly “did their best,” whatever that means.

So. I don’t like to make New Year’s Resolutions because I never keep them. (Nobody really does, so I’m not even going to make myself feel bad about that.) But if I did have a resolution this year, it would be to Fake it Until I Make It. Because the advice I’ve been given my entire life, “be more confident,” just doesn’t fucking fly with me. Yeah, let me just start being more confident, a feeling I have experienced like, twice in my entire life. MAYBE. (For those curious, the first was the time I walked into my first entertainment interview completely unprepared, and uncharacteristically totally winged (wung?) it in front of the scariest boss I have ever encountered, and got offered the internship on the spot. The second was my last night in Buenos Aires, in which I drunkenly yelled at a bunch of gross Uruguayans that No does in fact mean No, and that one of them in particular should “andáte a la puta que te parió.” Please look that up.) And both of these instances were very spontaneous, flighty little spurts of confidence, which almost immediately fled back from whence they came.

So no, I’m not just going to be confident, because for many people, and maybe even most people, it is not that easy. I am going to do my best to act confident, despite the fact that I am the world’s most unconvincing actress (see: Alice in Wonderland, Snail Lake Elementary, role of Flower #2). To quote Diane Keaton quoting Cary Grant on an episode of Ellen I saw on a hotel TV, “I pretended to be somebody I wanted to be until finally I became that person. Or he became me.” This was quite the gamechanger for me, spiritually. Just kidding, that sentence was RIDICULOUS. But I’ve thought about this quote a lot. Even someone like Cary Grant, who by most accounts was kinda perfect, wasn’t just born that way. This is the only hope for me. The only light at the end of the tunnel. Pretending to be the person I want to be until one day, I wake up, and simply by habit, I’ve become that person.

I’m not predicting an easy journey, as all change is incremental and can be frustratingly difficult, but it’s possible, right?. And all this “be yourself” bullshit is well-intended and lovely for those whose selves are good to go, but when my “myself” is self-deprecating, miserable like 80% of the time, and completely incapable of presenting myself in a confident, adult-ish way, then it is simply not good enough to be “myself.” That’s why the second line of Grant’s quote is so significant–“or (s)he became me.” It’s not about forcing yourself into some unrealistic ideal of human perfection. It’s about taking steps, however small and simple, towards your own “myself” ideal. (That was me desperately trying to avoid “be your best self” and “new year new you.” You never realize how many clichés exist in this world, and how easy they are to fall back on (DAMNIT!), until you start writing a blog post about self improvement. Eesh.)

Anyways, to put Cary Grant’s wise words into a #young and #cool context, let me now translate them into the tumblr version: “My 2015 goal is to press fake confidence in myself until it becomes the real belief that I am a tru princess [crown emoji]” (from Galentines)

In conclusion. The things I want are attainable.

But actually. I am going to stop allowing myself to be unhappy with consequences that I could have avoided. I am going to stop making excuses for shit I should just get done already, but didn’t do, because I was terrified of the idea of “putting myself out there” (barf). I’m going to stop giving up on things I want because I’m sure I don’t deserve them.  And I am going to live the words of the poet Anis Mojgani, whom I want to quote in basically everything because he’s perfect:

“So when the world knocks at your front door
Clutch the knob tightly and open on up
And run forward and far into its widespread, greeting arms
With your hands outstretched before you
Fingertips trembling, though they may be.”  (this is from Shake The Dust.)

The last line is what I love so much about this passage. It’s not about just doing it (sorry Nike), it’s about doing it, even when you’re afraid, or doubtful, or just plain tired of being rejected. Even when your hands are shaking and your eyes are watering. Because you don’t have to be confident all the time, and you shouldn’t. Because I think that’s what they call “cocky.” But you can get out of bed, take a shower (optional), put on your favorite lipstick (not optional), walk out the fucking door, and do something with your life.

And, of course, because these are New Year’s resolutions, I may not actually become Cary Grant and/or Tina Fey in a Princess Leia costume. But I’m going to try. For a few months. Weeks. Eh, we’ll see how it goes.