me too, kinda (2017)

I was wary about contributing to this conversation. Not because it's not important, but because I don't feel it's my place, in some way. I don't have a harrowing story to share. I don't even have that much experience dealing with sexism in the workplace--which can be attributed to overall lack of experience, but also pure luck to have worked in Hollywood offices that were "progressive" (or just not rapey?). AND most of my bosses/coworkers have been women. This is the point in the post where I must acknowledge that yes, women harass/assault others, and yes, many men and boys are victims of sexual violence. Speaking up about this issue, no matter who you are, helps all victims, and calls out all aggressors; so let's TALK about this issue--that statistically, hurts mostly women and girls, and statistically, happens at the hands of men.

And I'm getting pretty fucking tired of "not all men" , for a few reasons, but the main one being that it doesn't help. It doesn't help to point out that you, random male Twitter follower, personally respect women and that a buncha other dudes do, too. That's great, and it's not what we're talking about. What you're doing when you're saying "not all men" is putting your concerns over the legitimate and tangible fears of sexual assault victims; you're saying, "I don't want to be lumped in a group with rapists, because it looks bad for me and the group I ascribe to." You're purporting that THAT is more important than the verifiable danger of sexual violence, more important than the task we have at hand to combat assault (not to mention, although I will: human trafficking, harassment, genital mutilation, should I go on?), which starts with men. You're rejecting the objective truth that men are the main perpetrators of the crime, and that the crime itself is embedded within and reinforced by rape culture. Rape culture, which also (!) is perpetrated, by 1. men 2. men in power 3. women who have internalized rape culture/misogyny. 

It is not relevant to say "not all men" because SOME men. Too many men. Do. Have. Will Again. 

Just had to get that out of the way.  

So yes, I've avoided having to share a Weinstein-like stories or worse, and because of this, I've often wondered how I got so lucky. I was a young, thin woman who went to a college just as alcohol-fueled and consent-hazy as the rest of them. I was a young, blonde woman with big entertainment industry dreams. I am a young blonde-ish woman with a too-trusting soul and zero street skills. How have I been so lucky?

This is the part where my brain goes, "I mean TECHNICALLY ..." Sure, technically "me, too." If you're a woman and you haven't experienced basic sexism or harassment, either on the street or in a comments section, like ... HOW, girl. But this is where I get technical, because I know the stories of friends, internet strangers, and writers, and I think, well that stuff has never happened to me.

Sure, I could tell you a story. Like the thousands of brave women sharing their experiences on the Internet today. These stories need to be shared and need to be understood--so that the unnecessary feelings of guilt and shame can be expunged from these tales. But I'm not going to tell a story. I don't need to, first of all because there are plenty on the Internet already. I'm not going to tell my story because it is not unique. I'm not telling my story because: we KNOW that sexual assault happens to young, symmetrically-faced women (if I do say so myself); we even seem to have an appetite for those stories, given the popularity of the Weinsten news. The point I'm trying my best to make here: sexual assault can happen to anyone. Regardless of appearance, regardless of gender, regardless of environment. The stories we need to hear are those that remind of us this; that sexual violence is pervasive--it doesn't just happen to hot Hollywood actresses and it doesn't just happen in Hollywood, a place literally known for depravity. The highest concentration of catcalls (outside of Morocco, which just operates on a whoooole other level) in my young life has been on the tough streets of... Shoreview, Minnesota: walking down the sidewalk with my best friend to Caribou Coffee when I was like 12 years old (not that it matters, but I was often wearing dirty sweats head to toe, and no makeup).

These little shock factors of sexist culture--a grotesque catcall from a man in a truck or a random ass-grab from a guy you thought was cool--are just tiny surprise reminders of the privilege some men feel to say and do whatever they want to women. The things that have "happened to me" (even that sounds dramatic) don't affect my psyche daily (consciously, anyway),  I've never felt the need to "come forward," report someone, or even confide in a close friend about them. They just are.

That’s, in fact, the whole point of the “me too” campaign. For many of us, they are just are things, part of life. We are not saying that sexual assault ruins us, but that it just HAPPENS to us. To everyone, anyone.

You know. Men know. We all know. 

Rape culture = us all knowing, and not doing shit about it

/continuing to laugh at rape jokes

/continuing to hire/award known sexual predators

/continuing to retaliate against women, in myriad ways, when they report in the workplace, or really just wherever. Let's talk about sexual assault reporting in the military too! Thanks! Best regards.

Sending peace and solidarity to survivors today; I wish I could hold all of your hands.

 #metoo