I Tried Meditation For Five Days and It Pissed Me the Hell Off

This piece originally appeared on the blog Everyone Except You in August 2018.

Every few months or so, I read a book of the self-improvement variety, get all inspired to become my Ideal Self, and start forcing myself to adopt more consistent self-care habits. One of these habits several of the books encourage, and one I find myself wishing came much more naturally to me, is meditation. 

For me, the idea of meditation has historically represented a ~fun mix of boring, difficult, and terrifying; I have never particularly liked being alone with my thoughts, because they have never been particularly nice to me. The few times I was forced to meditate, in a dance class or by a yoga instructor, I dreaded it and dragged my feet through it.

Fine, I'll take a few deep breaths. This feels nice - oh, but now I'm thinking about the story my friend told me at lunch today. Also, I feel...fat. And that's pretty much where I would give up, resigning myself to the idea that I couldn't meditate, it was not for me, or my brain. I need my mind to be occupied - to be tasked on something - so it doesn't start tearing itself apart (which it so likes to do, just ask my insomnia).

The one time I thought I finally appreciated meditation and its effects was in my African dance class, senior year of college (shout it out for the liberal arts education). For five blissful minutes, my instructor walked us through a deep relaxation meditation (we were on beaches, and up in space and shit) while we all lay on the floor in darkness. 

"Wow," I told my friend after we'd gotten up from the floor. "I feel so much better; I wish we'd done that longer."

He gestured to the clock, confused. "Class is almost over. We just meditated for like 35 minutes." 

I looked at the clock, not understanding what it was telling me. Oh. I had just taken a half-hour nap.

After college, the dance company I joined instituted a policy of 5-minute meditation at the start of practice, meaning I found another incentive to show up 5 minutes late. When I did make it there on time, I'd use the five minutes to make a to-do list for the upcoming week.

I'm just not cut out for this! My brain doesn't shut down! 

Well, here we are, after reading my latest white-lady finding herself journey (this time, I went old school, and read Eat Pray Love). Last time it was Big Magic, and the time before, You Are A Badass, but something about EPL really drove the point home. I guess reading that a rich lady from New York went to an ashram in India and I don't know, saw the ~natural order of the universe, by chanting Sanskrit and sitting in a cave for a couple hours? I'll...dip my toes back in. 

I'm not exactly at a place in life where up and moving to India for three months is the move, and anyways, you can't go 0 to 60 with meditation, or so the Internet tells me. I decide to start with five minutes a day.

So here's the plan. This week, I try meditating each day, for at least five minutes - by Frday, maybe we'll try to work up to 15 minutes. I'll try a different style~ of meditation each day (because there are many types, and who know what will resonate with you?)

Being yet another white lady trying to find herself, I try to do my research: I read a few New Yorker articles that debate whether yoga/meditation is being culturally appropriated by the white elite, wonder if this piece in itself is culturally appropriative, and frantically download a book onto my kindle about Vipassana meditation (the OG mindfulness movement), to read up on the Buddha.

And I'm glad I did, because as it turns out when you know about the background/reason why the thing you're doing even exists, you get a lot more out of it.

What I like about the Buddha is that he didn't claim to be divine or want to be worshiped, he connected to the divine through a completely human activity - sitting and breathing (and training his mind). "Whatever special qualities he had were preeminently human qualities that he had brought to perfection." He wanted to share meditation practices, keep nothing hidden or kept among an exclusive group, with one purpose in mind - liberating humans from suffering. And all of us suffer, at some point, so all of us can use some peace from time to time.

The Buddha also taught that each of us are the authority of our own truths: "If we are to benefit from truth, we are to experience it directly." He wanted each person to find the light for themselves - he could show them the path, but not carry them down it. 

"Each of you, make yourself an island, make yourself a refuge; there is no other refuge. Make truth your island, make truth your refuge; there is no other refuge."

DAY ONE : Monday

Meditation style: Mindfulness-ish. (Just breathing, and focusing on the breath moving in and out of my body). Trying to start simple.

Having read a few internet articles, I understand "just breathe" is sort of a “mindfulness” meditation (being present is so in right now). I’m not doing a guided one, just sitting alone in silence and taking deep breaths for five minutes - without losing my mind!

I start seated, acknowledging to myself that I'm not using any outs this time - I'm not chanting, or focusing on any particular words or feelings, just attempting to keep my attention completely on the breath. In. and out. And so on.

I'm...so bored. 

I remember now that I usually find the guided meditations helpful when it's basically just breathing, because the voice is just one more thing my brain can focus on - and their words can help me keep my mind intent on the breaths.

But I gotta stick to it - it's just breathing, it's not that hard.

I always find meditation gets tough right in the middle - about halfway through I want to give up. Sure enough, a couple minutes in I'm getting incredibly frustrated, with all the thoughts that keep entering my head that I don't want there. It feels like there's just not enough to think about!

 The whole five seconds I'm breathing in, that's ALL I can think about? And same with the breath going out?

I resort to counting, just something else to hold my attention (I count to 10 as I breathe, 1 through 4 in, 5 through 10 out). It's helping, a bit, but meditation is always annoying when I haven't done it awhile. Not to mention, it's the end of a very long day and my brain is full of nonsense.

I give up on doing it alone and look at the meditation apps I downloaded earlier. The "Calm" app opens with some bold outdoor noises - a water flow of some kind, and birds chirping sweetly - Strike One. And because it's 2018, there are too many options. Positivity, Focus, Creativity, Emergency Calm (don't think we're there yet). I already encountered too many options searching "meditation" in the app store, I really don't need more to choose from. But it seems like there are a hundred different options for meditations, 5-minute to 20-minute, clarity to sleep meditations, 5-day and 7-day classes and programs, with no clear path of where to start. Strike Two.

Having scrolled through several YouTube meditation videos in past meditation phases, I know how significant the voice (tone, quality, accent, etc) of the guide can be; one annoying vocal quirk and I am OUT. Scanning through this Wild West of meditation, I quickly realize that every single one, from Sleep to Focus to Find Your Purpose - they are all sound-tracked by the fucking chirping birds. Strike. Three.

Several articles recommended this app to me. Maybe it's just that I'm reeeeally not a morning person, and the sound reminds me of those birds that won't shut the fuck up at 7 in the morning. But honestly, the average person finds bird noises relaxing? 

Finally, I use try plain old music, and put on two songs in my headphones that I enjoy meditating to (Show Me Love and One Day They'll Know). I can't help but feeling, as I often do with meditation: I can't be doing this right.

Listening to music doesn't really seem like meditation, but it's working better than silence or the birds, so I'm just going to go with it. With Show Me Love, I can talk through the lyrics, which feel a bit like prayers (or affirmations, if we want to stay secular):

"Don't let me show cruelty though I may make mistakes
Don't let me show ugliness though I know I can hate

Keep me away from apathy while I am still awake
And don't let me think too long of what I'm about to face"

I'm having a little more success - and decide I'll bring in some positivity by offering gratitude - I'm thinking of and trying to really focus on, for a few seconds, each thing and person in my life that I am grateful for.

I barely hear the start of the second song before I fall asleep.

DAY 2: Tuesday

Meditation style: Prayer meditation. (Is that a thing? Or is that just prayer?)

One thing I'm noticing, is that despite my natural aversion to anything too un-subtly ~spiritual, the only thing that's really working to keep my focus are these words and affirmations - saying thank you, and asking for guidance - you know, the thing people do with God.

And last week, for the first time, I felt...something...during a meditation I realized in retrospect was more like praying than meditating. 

I was talking, to someone or something outside of myself, profusely thanking and asking forgiveness of, I guess...the universe? (I was heavy into the "pray" part of Eat Pray Love at the time, don't judge me.)

I hadn't prayed, I haven't even really even tried, since I was maybe 13 years old, so the idea of it was foreign - and it's still kind of uncomfortable for me to even write about.

But oddly, in the moment, it didn't in an way feel weird or foreign. Perhaps because I wasn't approaching it in a way that was decidedly prayer-like. I wasn't on my knees, talking out loud to a big-dude-with-a-beard-type of God - I was simply breathing and asking silently, for it to show itself to me without defining what it was. Does that make any sense?

All I knew was that I was saying thank you, and feeling so sorry that I hadn't said thank you before - that I hadn't been saying thank you every day, every morning, every night. But I didn't feel shame or guilt tied into this regret - just stung with an awareness of everything I have and I am capable of.

My whole body heaved in a single release (of self-forgiveness?). I felt - if I may go full Liz Gilbert for a second - like I was spinning on an axis closer to that of the universe - and that whatever I felt sorry and awful and guilty for, there was so much love in the world, it wasn't worth wasting a breath over it.

So. I guess that's why I wanted to try it again.

I tried to start the same way: unbridled gratitude, lift it up to the Lord, ya'll.

This time it doesn't come as easy; I can't find the "Deep Focus" song I used last week, so I'm using some white noise bullshit, and my body is just so tired today.

I try just breathing. I watch my thoughts, and see them bend towards negativity with practically no effort at all.

Gratitude! Gratitude. (Nothing like forcing yourself to be fucking grateful.)

My brain waves start to level out, and before I realize it, Low Lights is echoing through my head. The song comes up every so often when I'm doing the whole spiritual thing; it's the only sort of Jesus-y tune I've connected to in a meaningful way since middle school. 

My brain, this whole day has been wracked with fear. I'm so tired of being so scared of everything. I can't get rid of my fear, so I ask love to come in and just shove it a bit to the side.

Low Lights isn't actually playing, but I've heard it so many times I can speak through the entire song in my head. This vibe, these lyrics, her voice. I don't know if the singer and I would attend the same religious service, but I know that all that I feel when I hear this song is love, so I let it play through me.

Fear is still there when I open my eyes. but it's sitting next to me quietly, instead of staring me down screaming. It's not the most pressing, or interesting thing to think about, anymore.

DAY THREE: Wednesday

Meditation style: Chanting meditation (after failing at several others).

I have now probably stopped and started seven different of the "most popular" 5 to 15 minute meditations. I'm trying a new app (because fuck birds, honestly) called Insight Timer, and finding that apparently what most people enjoy in a meditation makes me fucking enraged! 

I start a meditation called "Loving Kindness" and about 15 seconds in, I want to throw myself off a bridge.

Her voice is a little too soothing, like she's trying too hard; that I can get past, but we're only a few breaths deep, and already this bitch is like "you are now in the presence of your unstoried self. You are free of judgment, and pain."

Don't tell me what I am, lady. You're not my dad! 

And also...I feel the same. I did feel a bit more relaxed, then immediately frustrated, as I couldn't keep up with all this liberation from judgment (mine is very much still here).

Okayyy, let's a try a new one.

"Basic Vipassana Meditation" (Ooh, like my book!)

The voice is jarring and the sound quality is iffy. (Imagine! on a meditation app! Poor sound quality!). Next.

"Mindfulness Meditation" (It's simple! Back to basics!)

Nope, no. Who can relax to an Australian accent? 

The app keeps congratulating me for "finishing" more meditations. "You've completed 120 seconds today!"

Each guided meditation I find pisses me off more than the last one. Why are these all so annoying?? (quickly followed up by: Why am I letting myself get so annoyed?)

This is when I start thinking maybe meditation just isn't for me. All these uber-popular apps and guides and techniques... they all seem to just drive me crazy.

I give up and try YouTube. The more frustrated I get, the more ambitious: I'm really going for it now with a 22-minute video called LET GO of Anxiety, Fear, & Worries. Sounds gr8.

And..? I think I've found my zone, finally. Spacey, tonal music floating in the background, an adorably subtle Scandinavian accent. Lovely. I just needed to find my niche!

I get halfway through. Things were going great; a bunch of metaphors that distracted me from my blind rage until all the sudden he's like, "At this point in the meditation, all of your judgments, fears, and worries are leaving you. You may have a very intense reaction. Some people shake, or cry."

Wait, what? Why is meditation expecting so much of me. I'm just trying to relax, not have an emotional breakdown. I feel better, life feels a tiny bit easier, I feel more relaxed, but are my judgments disappeared, into thin air? Not....yet. It's been like 10 minutes, bruh.

I suppose this is the type of thing I should be doing multiple times, working towards; I know I can't be expecting a miracle on the first run. I just want someone to distract me good, for five to fifteen minutes, without expecting some kind of spiritual liberation from my dumb reptile brain; is that so much to ask?

I crawl back to my app, desperate - I'll give it one more try. I just have to finish one, it can't be that hard.

Because my only successful path into this has been surprisingly religious, I check out the divine inspiration section (because of course there is one), and just hit play on the first chanting meditation I see.

It's called "Om Shanti Om"; I don't know what it means but the word "om" according to the Yogis (and/or the Internet) is the cosmic sound of the universe, and it connects you to God or something, so whatever, I'm down.

The song is a sort of call and response, first in Sanskrit, then in English, with a harmonious background and a full orchestral soundtrack; it feels like the Buddhist equivalent of a Christian rock band leading a group of middle-schoolers, but I shove that judgment aside and just let myself rock out to it.

Maybe it's just because I like to sing, and maybe because I know this one is only 5 minutes long and I can very much handle that, but I'm having a great time.

I think only briefly of my open window, and what my neighbors might be hearing, and then just find joy in the song.

Om shanti om, they sing, and I sing it back. Then English: I think they are saying, and am very committed to the idea of, "I am here," which I belt out with abandon. (I'm presenting myself to the universe!) I look up the lyrics after the fact, and find out they're saying "I am peace," but whatever, same thing.

I don't know how close I got to ~God or even meditation, it's entirely possible I just like to sing. (It's something I do in my car to calm myself down, on the way to something scary like a job interview.) I do feel more relaxed, and singing with other people, even through headphones, is hella therapeutic. Maybe I should just join a choir?

DAY FOUR: Thursday

Meditation style: Attempting Loving Kindness meditation again today, since I barfed all over myself last time I tried it (metaphorically).

I know this one will take a bit more searching; the voice has to be completely annoyance-free, as I already squirm around anything having to do with self-love. (Even positive affirmations are a struggle to get through; I find myself quite literally laughing attempting to tell myself I'm "strong"). 

Sure enough, the first meditation I find sounds more like bored high school teacher rounding up tests at the end of class than a guide of love of wellness. It's just not soothing. (And seriously, if you're going into the guided meditation business, you should really consult a few trusted friends to make sure your voice isn't nails on a chalkboard to people trying to relax).

Before I can furl into a black hole of anger (quite contradictory to the style of meditation we're going for today), I click on the next video, and don't hate it.

The guy's voice is soft, easy. Together, we repeat:

"May I be happy,

may I be well,

may I be comfortable and at peace."

Now this I really like. I don't have to lie to myself! I don't have to sit there and say I'm happy, I'm well, I'm comfortable and at peace. I can ask for it, and mean it.

The,n we do it for everyone else - my friends, the people I love, my enemy ("a person with whom you have conflict"),

"May they be happy,

may they be well,

may they be comfortable and at peace."

He gives a few moments of silence, and for once I'm grateful for them. I take a deep breath in.

It smells like cat shittt.

Damnit, seriously? But instead of giving up and frantically spraying Febreeze, I send love to my cats (Hi Winston and Batman!) and move on with the meditation.

We send love to everybody, the whole damn world (I like to think that the dude in the YouTube video and I are working as a team, throwin' love out there with big T-shirt cannons to a grateful, raucous crowd).

After it's over, it still smells like cat shit. But I do feel something in my body - it's nice, and warm, but not in a temperature kind of way - is it love? 

DAY FIVE: Friday

Meditation style: Vipassana / Mindfulness

In the middle of the workday, I sneak into my staircase - the one where I go to cry or make phone calls. I find a fifteen minute Vipassana meditation video with a voice I don't hate. Joyous day!

But as soon as he stops talking, there is no soothing blue tone or even audio white noise to keep me going - the sound cuts out altogether, and I think the video has stalled - stupid staircase with no service! But no - the video is still playing, his comments are are just juxtaposed next to twenty to thirty seconds of pure silence, in which I'm supposed to breathe and focus on breathing.

Ugh, okay fine. I settle back and close my eyes.

Through my headphones I can hear echo-y staircase noises, booming voices and slamming doors from floors below. 

BreeEEEEEathe. Just think about that.

But it's hard not to think about the project I was just working on at my desk, poring over Excel spreadsheets with my coworker. It's hard not to think about that I'm kinda hungry. And that I kinda have to pee.

OK, no! Open eyes, and close them again, resettle, resist thinking of body functions.

Breathe in, breathe out, (work stuff! bladder!), fuck it I'm going to the bathroom. And then back to work.

Later, I try again in my car. You know, the ultimate meditative space. I pull over in the nice neighborhood where my sister lives, push my chair back, and find a 10-minute video with 7.2 million views that claims it will "open my third eye."

Um, cool? I make myself comfy and breathe in and out slowly, while tingly bells sweep seem to sweep, in and out, in and out. That's all it is, so far, high pitched wind chimes, floating up and down in volume and frequency. 

I'm keeping an open mind (and eye?) so I just let the waves of chimes wash over me. I try something I've used in the past when my brain can't quiet down - the "om." It starts out shaky, but gets better, as I hone in on the "m" and let it vibrate through my body for as long as my breath can hold it. Focusing on keeping a consistent, long-held hum is another thing that my brain can give its attention to, and I now know apparently gets you on the same vibe as the universe (or something).

3 minutes in, the video stops. I'm getting a phone call - from a Florida number I have never seen before in my life.

It's not God. And now my weird bells have been interrupted. How the hell will I see my third eye?

DOES THE UNIVERSE EVEN WANT ME TO BE HAPPY????

As it turns out, meditation doesn't only get easier, it comes naturally some days, and other days, it's a fight against your own mind (and interrupting phone calls).

I decide for my last day, I want a good session (or whatever it's called), and I need someone to walk me through it. So I try this one, realizing in all my aggressive desire to be mindful and present, I have yet to successfully complete a mindfulness meditation. 

And now I understand why it's so in right now - this meditation, finally, is simultaneously simple enough that I can hang, but stimulating enough that I can hang; it keeps my attention but doesn't demand so much of my brain. All it's asking for is a little presence.

Part of the reason I think I avoided meditation for so long, is because I was told so many wrong things about it - that you can't think about anything except breathing, and if you do, you have to start over (okay, so every five seconds?), that you aren't supposed to notice or even "hear" noises that are coming in from the outside world (how?), that you were automatically supposed to feel better/more focused/more relaxed just by doing it (see above rage).

Mindfulness/Vipassana Meditation isn't expecting all of that from you - and in fact isn't expecting much of you when you first start.

What actually makes me relaxed? The fact that this guy in the video is telling me that thoughts are going to come into my brain, and that's okay - "simply observe them, as if from a distance;" I can see thoughts as balloons that are separate from me, and just let them float away. He reminds me that thoughts are simply thoughts, and they are not in control of me.

It relaxes me to find out that a trick I've been using on myself to focus - counting to 10 (4 on the inhale, 6 on the exhale) - is okay.

It relaxes me that he says "don't strain to do these breaths." You can do it at your own pace.

All it asks of me is to be aware of my present - conscious of the pressure of the seat against my body, the clothing that sits on my skin, the sounds that flow in from the outside world (I can notice those?!), the scents I can smell, the colors I can see. 

"Spend some moments simply being. Being aware of all that is in you and all that is around you right now, at this very moment." 

Being aware of all of this - it doesn't necessarily make me more "relaxed." I didn't necessarily enjoy seeing all of the things that rest not so easily within me.

But it's useful to know that they are there. It's useful to see how quickly I get frustrated with myself, unable to find a meditation I don't loathe entirely. Meditation itself didn't cause any of my issues, nor did it cure them; it simply opened the door to show me what was inside. And what it showed me was that I am apparently, full of rage. Full of fear. Full of insecurities.

In other words, it's shown me what I need to bring up in my next therapy session (which is not nothing).

And after all, I've only done this for five days. It's even not like I've been consistent with any method or technique - the point was to try to figure out what works for me. And I did find a couple things that actually worked for my crazy ass brain. Singing, praying, chanting, humming, sending out love, being present - all of it worked, in some small way, each day, for different reasons. It took some trial and error, it gave me anger hot flashes, and I didn't exactly have an ashram-cave spiritual awakening, but that sounds like a lot, right now, anyways. All I can ask for (from the universe, or God or whoever) is patience. And for meditation apps to offer bird-free options.

I'll leave you with some small but useful takeaways.

Cat’s hot tips, re meditation:

1. Pee before meditating.

2. Get it out of the way early in the day, before your brain is all filled up with bullshit and so it stops feeling like a chore to get done.

3. Don't do it hungry.

4. Put your phone on Do Not Disturb beforehand.

5. Don't give up after 30 seconds. Don't expect too much of yourself.